


It Was Always You

by bb_bambam



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Bobby-centric - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Coping, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Implied Sexual Content, Inspired by Real Events, Introspection, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, and oblivious Hanbin too tbh, basically an exploration of Bobby coping with Hanbin leaving, oblivious Bobby, supportive iKON
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:33:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22206418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bb_bambam/pseuds/bb_bambam
Summary: Whether it’s Bobby’s past, present, or future, there is always Hanbin.
Relationships: Goo Junhoe/Kim Jinhwan, Kim Hanbin | B.I/Kim Jiwon | Bobby
Comments: 23
Kudos: 74





	1. Before and After

Bobby awakes with a start. There’s a heaviness in his chest, an unwelcome pressure settled on his heart, and for a brief, refreshing moment, he can’t remember what it is. A glance at his phone tells him it isn’t even 5 am yet, but this early-morning haze is familiar now – sleep doesn’t come easily to him these days.

The longer he stares into the darkness of the hotel room, the easier it is for his mind to piece everything back together. And as he remembers, he starts to feel like he’s suffocating.

He stumbles out of bed to throw open the window, trying to catch his breath as the morning chill forces its way inside. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out, his words meaningless to the empty room. It’s utterly frustrating, _infuriating_ , that he has no way of saying them to the one person who needs to hear them.

It feels like every morning goes like this. He wakes up to a few precious seconds of calm before the crushing weight of realization that it’s already been weeks since everything went to shit descends upon him. More than anything else, it just _hurts_. It hurts to know that his best friend, his leader, his _soulmate_ is by himself right now, suffering alone, and there’s nothing Bobby can do about it.

Because Hanbin was – _is_ – his world, and Bobby now is left without the one person he thought would always be by his side.

~~~

Everyone encounters people in their lives who they just _know_ are going to special, important somehow, right from their first meeting. Bobby discovers this the day he meets Kim Hanbin.

He quite literally runs into Hanbin in the middle of his attempt to find the practice room he was told to go to – or rather, a boy who Bobby will later learn is Hanbin runs into _him_ , apparently in a rush to get somewhere.

Still, Bobby is nothing if not polite, so he apologizes, feeling more than a little awkward about using formal speech because the boy doesn’t seem to be much older than him – but he does it anyway, just in case. The boy just stares at him, and Bobby realizes with a jolt that this is the same boy he once saw rapping on a TV program years ago. (And maybe that was fate at play.)

He’s handsome in an unconventional sort of way, Bobby thinks absently as they continue to make uncomfortably long eye contact. It’s an unusual thing for Bobby to make note of, but for whatever reason, the thought crosses his mind unprompted. “Are you Kim Jiwon?” the boy finally asks, and Bobby is taken aback. Jiwon is his name, of course, but not the one he expected to hear much around here.

“Yes,” Bobby says slowly. “Why?”

“Practice started 3 minutes ago,” the boy says. He looks dead serious, and Bobby feels incredibly intimidated, but is also somewhat impressed by the boy’s obvious dedication. This is someone who takes his position here very seriously, someone Bobby can see himself working with in the future.

“I was trying to find the room,” Bobby tries to explain. “No one actually told me where to go.”

The boy blinks a few times before reaching out and abruptly taking Bobby’s wrist. “Let’s go, then. We’re wasting time.” Bobby is too bewildered to protest about this unknown boy practically dragging him down the hallway, so he allows himself to be taken wherever it is they’re going.

The first thing he notices when they reach the practice room is another boy already stretching in the middle of the floor, who looks up as they walk in. “So you found him?” the boy asks, eyeing the hand clasped around Bobby’s wrist.

Suddenly feeling self-conscious, Bobby pulls himself free and steps forward to introduce himself as politely as he can. “I’m Kim Jiwon, but you can just call me Bobby. Please take care of me.”

“Nice to meet you, Bobby,” the boy in the middle of the room says, standing up to return Bobby’s bow. “I’m Jinhwan.”

There’s an awkward pause where none of them say anything as the boy who brought Bobby here walks to the front of the room and turns to look at Bobby again. Bobby feels like the boy’s gaze is burning holes in his face. “Well, come on,” he says. “We’re behind schedule already.”

Jinhwan raises an eyebrow at the boy pointedly. “At least tell him your _name_ before you start ordering him around.”

“I’m Hanbin,” the boy says impatiently. “Now let’s start, we’ve wasted enough time.”

“He just got here,” Jinhwan argues. “I know you’re anxious, but let him take a few moments to get adjusted.”

“It’s fine.” Bobby finally speaks up, deciding he should intervene before the situation escalates further. “Hanbin-ssi is right. We shouldn’t waste any more time.” He pulls his bag off his shoulder and joins Jinhwan on the floor to start stretching.

It happens so quickly that Bobby just barely catches it, but for a moment, Hanbin looks almost impressed before his neutral expression returns. Jinhwan, on the other hand, sighs as his eyes flicker between Bobby and Hanbin. “Great,” he mumbles, mostly to himself. “Now there’s two of them.”

(It will take two weeks before the awkwardness between Hanbin and Bobby dissipates enough for Bobby to realize that he’s actually older than Hanbin and doesn’t need to be formal with him, and it will take even longer than that for them to become best friends – though they’ll get there eventually.

But it takes less than an hour for Bobby to be certain Hanbin is something unique, someone who will change his life for good.)

~~~

In the dim light of dawn that’s trickling into the room, Bobby picks his phone up off the nightstand and opens it to his most recent messages.

**To: Hanbinnie <3**

_good morning hanbinnie_

_don’t forget to eat today too_

_i miss you_

He sends similar messages every day; sometimes he gets a response and sometimes he doesn’t. He isn’t bothered by it, though (not _too_ much, at least). He understands that as hard as this is for him, Hanbin has it a hundred times worse.

And the truth is, from the day Hanbin entered Bobby’s life, he was always going to be there to stay, in any way possible. So Bobby is willing to wait for a response, and he’s willing to wait for the day they can be reunited – for as long as Hanbin needs him to.

* * *

The last three weeks of June are some of the hardest Bobby has ever experienced. He walks through each day on autopilot, barely registering what’s going on around him. And it’s hard not to feel miserable, because everywhere he goes – in the car, in the dorm, on stage, in the studio, and even when the other members are around – there’s something so obviously missing.

The other members see it too, he knows. Jinhwan wordlessly joins him in his bed most nights because he knows better than anyone that Bobby shouldn’t be alone right now. Yunhyeong forces three bowls of food a day into Bobby’s hands and doesn’t leave until they’re empty. Donghyuk joins Bobby in the studio even when he does nothing but sit and stare at his blank computer screen for hours on end. Junhoe talks to him with uncharacteristic caution, like he’s afraid Bobby will break if he says the wrong thing. Chanwoo takes to playing games on his laptop in the living room when Bobby is there, never trying to start a conversation, but always keeping him company.

He’s beyond grateful for them – he really is, loves them so dearly – but even they know it just isn’t enough.

Bobby has always thought that the saying “You don’t know what you have until you lose it” is incredibly cliché, not to mention kind of unrealistic. Surely it’s _easier_ to appreciate what you have when it’s right in front of you, he’s always reasoned.

But now something, _someone_ he never thought he’d lose has been taken away from him, and he’s uncomfortably aware of how wrong he’s been all this time. He never really spent time thinking about how the feeling of restless fingers playing with his hands is so natural for him, about how the weight of a particular arm around his waist or head on his shoulder or body on his lap is so familiar and comforting. But now he doesn’t have any of that.

Hanbin is gone, and all Bobby can think about is how much he _needs_ him.

~~~

Hanbin’s mind works a little differently than other people’s. It’s obvious to anyone who interacts with him for more than a few minutes, and it’s one of the first things Bobby really _notices_ about him.

The thing about Hanbin is that he’s intense to the point that it can be overwhelming. He expects nothing less than the best, and once he’s focused on something – a lyric, a dance move, a melody – he’ll be stuck on it until it’s perfect. He’s very blunt and straightforward, never mincing his words or sugarcoating anything – whatever he says, he means. He notices details that no one else would and hyperfixates on them, particularly in the dance room. And he takes any criticism – even criticism of the whole group – as a reflection of his personal abilities as a leader.

All these traits make some people think of Hanbin as abrasive, difficult to deal with, even arrogant. Bobby doesn’t really like that, though, thinks those people aren’t getting the full picture. They don’t see the boy who works himself to exhaustion and frequently breaks down from crippling anxiety about never being good enough. They don’t know the boy who meekly asks Jinhwan and Bobby to join him in his bed some nights because he can’t fall asleep alone.

The way Bobby sees it, all these characteristics are just part of who Hanbin is, and despite his weaknesses, there’s really no doubt that Hanbin’s unique personality is what made him their undisputed leader right from the start.

There is one thing that takes Bobby a little longer to adapt to, though, and that’s Hanbin’s habit of touching people. It’s like Hanbin _needs_ to have something in his hands at all times, always reaching out to grab the nearest person’s hand or drape himself over someone’s back. Bobby got used to boys keeping their distance from each other during his years in the United States, and being back in Korea has already been somewhat of a culture shock, but Hanbin is a particularly extreme case.

Over time, though, Bobby learns that the need to touch is just another element of who Hanbin is. Physical contact comforts him, puts him at ease, and once Bobby comes to terms with this, he quietly lets Hanbin do as he pleases. And he gets used to the feeling of Hanbin playing with his fingers, Hanbin wrapping his arms around his shoulders, Hanbin mindlessly fiddling with the holes in Bobby’s jeans. He even welcomes it, when they’re in the dorm or the studio, wordlessly offering his hands for Hanbin to hold or signalling for Hanbin to sit on his lap, and the bright smile he gets from Hanbin always makes it worthwhile.

Sometimes, though, Bobby worries about what Hanbin’s habits might mean for the group. Skinship isn’t necessarily bad, he knows, and is even expected of them, to some extent, but people getting the wrong idea from seeing Hanbin always clinging to his groupmates is a genuine concern. So in front of the cameras, he’s less accommodating, pushes Hanbin’s hands away gently and doesn’t reciprocate Hanbin’s touches, and in his mind, he’s doing it to protect Hanbin.

Still, it isn’t something he ever wants to lose. Because as much as he might try to deny it in public, the truth is he _likes_ being the one Hanbin comes to the most, being Hanbin’s first choice for comfort. He _wants_ Hanbin to choose him, always.

* * *

When Bobby walks out into the darkness of the hallway at three in the morning – unable to sleep because every time he closes his eyes all he can see is the pain on Hanbin’s face when he walked out the door – he isn’t expecting the hushed voices he hears coming from the living room. He stops, because whoever it is hasn’t seen him yet, and he really wants to get to the kitchen, but he also doesn’t want to interrupt them by walking past.

It only takes a few seconds for him to realize that it’s Jinhwan and Junhoe sharing a private moment, and part of him thinks he should just go back to his room, his parched throat be damned, but then he catches a bit of the conversation and finds himself rooted to the spot.

“It’s okay to cry, you know,” Junhoe is saying. “You’ve been with him the longest. And he’s your best friend.”

“I’m supposed to be stronger than this,” Jinhwan says shakily. “He told me to take care of everyone for him, and here I am, falling apart.” He laughs bitterly, and Bobby hates the harshness of the sound. “I always knew he had it a lot tougher than the rest of us. And he still managed to do such a good job, but I never even told him – I should have told him more, how _good_ he was. How much I appreciate and love him.”

“He knows,” Junhoe says immediately. “Of course he knows. You’re his favorite hyung.” He pauses for a moment. “Don’t tell Bobby-hyung I said that, though.” Bobby can almost picture the crooked smile on his face, the one that appears when he’s trying to make someone else smile.

The quiet but genuine laugh that Jinhwan lets out tells Bobby that Junhoe was successful. “You’re such a dork,” Jinhwan says affectionately, before he becomes serious again. “I’m sorry for burdening you with all this. I just –”

“Nani-hyung,” Junhoe interrupts, his voice so soft, so tender, so full of love that for a second, Bobby can’t believe it’s Junhoe who’s speaking. In all the years he’s known Junhoe, this is the first time Bobby has ever heard him talk so carefully, so gently. “You’re _never_ burdening me. If something is bothering you, then you should tell me. Because I love you and I want to help.”

Bobby knows they’ve been dating for a long time now – almost six years – and they’re practically all but engaged at this point, but there’s still something incredibly sweet about how earnest Junhoe sounds. It momentarily reminds him, painfully so, of how young Junhoe is, of how young they _all_ are. Of how young Hanbin is to be dealing with the hardships he’s facing.

There’s a faint sniffle, and Bobby knows it must be because Jinhwan is really crying now. “I love you too, June-yah,” comes the soft reply, and Bobby takes that as his cue to leave, his desire for a glass of water entirely forgotten, overwhelmed by his ever-present desire for Hanbin to be back at his side.

~~~

They find out about Jinhwan and Junhoe accidentally, in the midst of their trainee days, a few months after WIN ends.

It starts with Jinhwan and Junhoe opting not to join the rest of them for dinner after practice, which isn’t actually that unusual. From the first day Junhoe entered the company, the two of them have always been close (almost surprisingly so, considering how different their personalities are and their not insignificant age difference), and they often go off on their own.

In hindsight, though, the rest of them probably should have guessed something was up when Jinhwan inquired more than once about how late the rest of them were planning on staying out. Instead, it had gone unquestioned, and Yunhyeong had said they probably wouldn’t be back for at least a few more hours. An hour in, though, Bobby had made an off-handed comment about feeling kind of drowsy and Hanbin had immediately made the executive decision to head back early.

As it is, none of them are prepared for the scene that greets them when they return to the dorm, chatting amongst themselves with Yunhyeong and Donghyuk leading the way and Bobby and Hanbin trailing behind them. They enter the living room and immediately stop short at the sight of Junhoe being pinned to the wall by Jinhwan, who’s on his tiptoes as he kisses Junhoe furiously.

Bobby is the first to speak, his mouth moving before he can really think about it. “Wow,” he says, more calmly than he actually feels. “There’s something you don’t see every day.”

Jinhwan jumps at the sound of his voice and pulls away from Junhoe immediately. Junhoe, on the other hand, blinks a few times, his hair disheveled and his lips red, before saying, “ _I_ see it every day.”

Which – okay. To be honest, this whole situation would have almost been amusing if it weren’t so jarring, Bobby thinks, because Jinhwan looks _exactly_ like a deer caught in headlights and Junhoe’s matter-of-fact retort is such a classic _Junhoe_ thing to say.

But then the actual meaning of his words sinks in, and – well. That rules out the possibility of this maybe being just a one-time thing, just two guys relieving some pent-up tension or something. Bobby supposes it isn’t that surprising, really, because if he had to guess who was in a relationship with each other out of the six members of their group, the two of them probably would have been the most logical choice.

“So you two –” Hanbin sounds a bit like he’s choking on his words as he speaks. Bobby acts purely on instinct – he reaches out and takes Hanbin’s hand, hoping to provide some reassurance through the familiar gesture. “Are you – uh –”

“We’re together,” Jinhwan says, his voice wavering a little, and Bobby suddenly notices how terrified Jinhwan looks – especially, Bobby realizes, as he meets Bobby’s eyes in particular. Bobby knows exactly why Jinhwan is most afraid of _his_ reaction, and his heart hurts from the knowledge that Jinhwan thinks Bobby might not accept who he is. “We have been for – for a while now. Since before WIN.”

Hanbin sighs heavily, and Bobby is sure he’s thinking about their contracts and their managers and a million other things. Unsure of what else to do, he squeezes Hanbin’s hand gently, and he watches Hanbin’s expression soften the tiniest bit. “I won’t – I can see that you two are happy, and I don’t want to have to get in the middle of it so just – just be careful. Please.”

“We will,” Jinhwan promises, his eyes watery. “Thank you, Hanbin.”

“Anyway, congrats, you two,” Yunhyeong says cheerfully. “Please never make out in front of us again!”

“We definitely will,” Junhoe says, because he’s chaotic like that. Everyone laughs, the tension finally gone, and it feels like they’re all back to normal again.

Well, almost back to normal, because Bobby can’t stop thinking about the uncertainty in Jinhwan’s eyes when he looked at Bobby.

He manages to catch Jinhwan alone while everyone is getting ready for bed, desperate to permanently get rid of the fear Jinhwan is probably still feeling. He stumbles over his words in his rush to explain himself. “Jinhwan-hyung, you know I would never – you aren’t – I don’t have any problems with you and Junhoe.” He looks at Jinhwan pleadingly. “My religion – it’s – it has nothing to do with this. I don’t care about your sexuality. You’re still one of my best friends. Always.”

Jinhwan’s eyes are shiny with tears, and Bobby lets himself be pulled into a hug. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier,” Jinhwan whispers. “And Hanbin, too. I was just – so scared.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Bobby says, burying his face in Jinhwan’s shoulder as he hugs him back. “We love you, hyung. Unconditionally.”

Later, Bobby and Hanbin have the room to themselves – Junhoe, unsurprisingly, is nowhere to be found – and Hanbin crawls into Bobby’s bed and starts ranting. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell us!” he says incredulously, sprawling across Bobby’s sheets. “We’re his best friends, aren’t we? I mean, I know they were probably nervous about keeping it a secret, but they didn’t need to hide it from _us_!” He turns to Bobby, clearly hoping for support. “Right?”

Bobby smiles fondly at the little pout on Hanbin’s face and ruffles his hair, relieved that it’s Hanbin, the teenager who just found out two of his friends have secretly been dating each other, rather than B.I, the leader who just found out that his non-debuted group has a potential scandal in the making, who’s doing the complaining. “No, they didn’t,” Bobby agrees. “He was mostly scared to tell _me_ ,” he continues, his smile fading slightly, “because of me being religious.”

Hanbin cocks his head. “But you don’t care, do you?”

“Of course not,” Bobby says firmly. “I made sure he knows that too.”

“Good,” Hanbin says approvingly, before sighing and rolling onto his stomach. “It must be nice for them, even with the sneaking around and everything, don’t you think? Being in a relationship.”

“I guess so,” Bobby says. “I’m sure it helps that we know now. It must be a weight off their shoulders.”

“Yeah...” Hanbin’s voice drifts off and Bobby is about to ask if something is bothering him, when Hanbin snaps out of whatever strange mood he was in and eyes Bobby mischievously. “ _You_ aren’t hiding a secret relationship from me, are you, Kimbap?”

Bobby feigns offense, gasping indignantly. “I would _never_!”

Hanbin actually _giggles_ at that, which is always a treat to hear, and then he reaches out to pull Bobby onto the bed to lie next to him. “Promise?”

“I promise,” Bobby agrees. “When I find someone I want to date, you’ll be the first to know.”

~~~

Thinking about the past only makes Bobby miss Hanbin more, so he does what he’s wanted to do for the past few days, but hasn’t been able to go through with until now. He pulls out his phone and sends a single text.

**To: Hanbinnie <3**

_i love you_

(Bobby wakes up to one unread message.

**From: Hanbinnie <3**

_i love you too_

He can’t stop smiling for the rest of the day.)

* * *

The practice room feels too large, too empty, nowadays. Bobby goes through the motions, does all the choreography that Donghyuk diligently teaches them. And Donghyuk is an incredible choreographer and a really good teacher, but he doesn’t have it in him to work them to perfection the way Hanbin could.

Everything feels _off_.

They have to rework all their formations and redo solo parts to account for the missing person, and Bobby starts dreading the days they have to spend hours and hours in the dance room. He can tell none of the others like it either – it feels wrong for there to only be six of them dancing together.

It makes Bobby think of a time, years ago, when having six people in the practice room was normal, and how strange it had been getting used to adding a seventh. But that had been a good change, because Chanwoo had blended in perfectly, and in the end, being a group of seven was just better for them.

This time, Bobby thinks he’ll never get used to it – and more importantly, he doesn’t _want_ to.

~~~

“What do you think of the new kids?” Hanbin asks one night when they’re up late in the studio together. He sounds exhausted, and Bobby’s chest aches a little. Between filming for Mix & Match and his stressful experience on Show Me the Money and trying to integrate three newbies into a well-established group while also continuously writing and producing songs, Hanbin has the world on his shoulders right now.

Bobby wishes he could do more to help ease the burden, but for now, he settles for giving Hanbin the feedback he needs. “I think it’s awkward,” he says honestly. “Not just for us, but for them, too. I think it’s weird to practice with so many people instead of just the six of us. I think Chanwoo fits in the best right now, and it helps that Yunhyeong has bonded with him a lot. I think they’re all kind of terrified of you.”

Hanbin sighs, looking a little dejected. “They really are, aren’t they?”

“It isn’t your fault,” Bobby says, squeezing Hanbin’s shoulder reassuringly. “They know why you have to be tough on them.”

“Yeah,” Hanbin says. “I probably came off as really arrogant too, saying that I don’t like them and all that. But I still don’t want them to like, hate me.”

“They don’t,” Bobby says immediately. “Hanbinnie, it’s honestly impossible to hate you. Even when you’re being a hardass.”

Hanbin cracks a smile at that, and Bobby feels irrationally pleased with himself. “You’re just biased,” Hanbin says, batting at Bobby’s arm playfully. “I’m your best friend, you _can’t_ hate me.”

“Maybe so,” Bobby says, ruffling Hanbin’s hair affectionately, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not right.” He smiles at Hanbin. “We all think you’re great, you know. The best.”

“I’m not the best,” Hanbin says, and he sounds almost resigned. “I’m lacking in so many ways.”

“Even if you are, you’re still more than enough,” Bobby says firmly. He looks Hanbin in the eyes. “You’re the fucking one and only Kim Hanbin.”

Hanbin’s smile returns at Bobby’s words. “Yeah,” he says, and he sounds more confident now. “Yeah, I am.” His head drops onto Bobby’s shoulder as he speaks, and Bobby automatically puts his arm around Hanbin’s shoulders so he’s more comfortable.

“You do more than all of us combined, and you do it so well,” Bobby continues, resting his head on top of Hanbin’s. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

He doesn’t even notice what he said until Hanbin speaks up, in a voice so quiet he nearly misses it. “ _You’re_ so lucky?”

Bobby blinks, thinks about how that sounds before deciding that he doesn’t care. “Yeah,” he says. “I am. You’re _my_ best friend, right?”

Hanbin doesn’t reply, but the tiny, radiant smile that he’s trying and failing to hide is enough to let Bobby know that he said exactly the right thing.

* * *

Bobby isn’t really sure how to define the relationship between him and Hanbin anymore. He’s well aware that Hanbin is the love of his life, and he knows Hanbin is in love with him too, but given the circumstances, it’s unclear what exactly they can do about that now.

It’s made even more complicated by virtue of the fact that “just friends” hasn’t been an adequate description of their relationship in a long, _long_ time. But for all the shifts in their relationship over the years, Hanbin’s abrupt departure meant that they never had a chance to explicitly decide if they’re boyfriends now, or what.

Rationally, Bobby knows he could probably just pick up the phone and _ask_ Hanbin where they stand, but Hanbin is dealing with a lot right now. Relationship drama is probably not high on his list of things he wants to think about.

So Bobby doesn’t try to get answers, but it doesn’t stop him from thinking about it constantly, almost obsessively, like there’s nothing else on his mind.

~~~

They’re in the middle of a long break with no discernible end. YG hasn’t given them the okay to go forward with a new album, favoring the planning of activities for Blackpink’s debut, so all the members have been trying to find ways to be somewhat productive.

Hanbin in particular has been alternating between episodes of severe restlessness and depression, so the rest of them take it upon themselves to look after him. Most of the responsibility is shouldered by Bobby, though, because while he and Jinhwan both _get_ Hanbin in a way that no one else can quite relate to, they all know Bobby and Hanbin’s relationship has always been a little different.

Bobby finds himself keeping Hanbin entertained in their room one night, Junhoe and Jinhwan having gone out to celebrate their third anniversary and the other members scattered throughout the dorm.

“Jinani-hyung and Junhoe must be enjoying themselves tonight,” Hanbin says from where he’s sprawled across Bobby’s bed. “They’re probably making out right now.”

Bobby laughs quietly. “I think they’re probably doing a little more than just making out.”

“Ew, why would you say that?” Hanbin says, even as he laughs along with Bobby. “It’s so weird to think of them doing _those_ kinds of things. Especially Junhoe. I know he’s an adult now but he’s still younger than me.” His tone turns wistful as he continues, “Meanwhile, _I’ve_ never even been _kissed_ before.”

“Nothing wrong with that,” Bobby says, not wanting to see Hanbin upset. “You just haven’t found the right person yet.”

“I guess,” Hanbin says, but he sounds even more dejected than before, which is exactly what Bobby _doesn’t_ want. “I know it isn’t a big deal, but I just – I don’t know. I’ve had people who I wanted to kiss but...I don’t think they wanted to kiss me.”

Hanbin has never told Bobby who any of these people are, but Bobby thinks he can guess anyway. He’s seen Hanbin watching one of the backup dancers with interest that wasn’t purely professional, has seen the broken-hearted lyrics that appeared in Hanbin’s notebook just days after Minho told them about some girl whose number he had gotten, has seen the glow in Hanbin’s cheeks when G-Dragon stopped by to personally compliment his songs, has even seen the way Hanbin’s smile dimmed ever so slightly when he realized it was _Jinhwan_ who was kissing Junhoe the day they all found out the two were dating.

The problem, really – in Bobby’s opinion, anyway – is that Hanbin falls too quickly, for the wrong people. And Bobby doesn’t know who the right person is, but he _does_ know that Hanbin deserves only the best.

(The fact is, Hanbin has a very obvious and identifiable type: he likes boys who are older than him, who take care of him, and who work hard at what they do. But while everyone he falls for loves him dearly, they never love him the way he loves them.

Maybe Yunhyeong would be the right fit? But then again, Bobby thinks, as much as Yunhyeong adores Hanbin, he’s also painfully straight, so maybe not.

It doesn’t even cross Bobby’s mind that there’s another person – a member of iKON, in fact – who also matches Hanbin’s ideal type perfectly. And it will take years for him to finally realize who it is.)

“It’s their loss then,” Bobby says. “One day, you’re going to find someone who’ll give you everything, who’ll look at you with stars in their eyes, the same way you do when you look at anything you love, and they’ll know how lucky they are to have the heart of the most incredible person in the world.” He’s not sure why he suddenly feels so passionately about this, but he never looks away from Hanbin as he speaks, wanting to convince him that this is the truth.

Hanbin stares at him for a long time, his eyes glassy. “You really mean that?”

“Of course,” Bobby says. “You should be with someone who’ll gift you the universe without being asked, because they already know it’s nothing less than you deserve.”

“You –” Hanbin cuts himself off, looking at Bobby like he’s never seen him properly before. A moment later, he clears his throat and his normal smile returns. “You’re so cheesy. It’s embarrassing.”

Bobby shrugs, grinning back proudly. “It cheered you up, though, didn’t it?”

Hanbin beams at him and nods as he settles more comfortably under Bobby’s covers. “Thanks, hyung.”

An idea strikes Bobby as he takes in the sight of Hanbin in his bed, and his mouth is moving before he can think better of it. “Also,” he says, stumbling over the words a little, “if you’re still – if you want to like, I don’t know, learn how to kiss or practice or anything, I’m – you just need to ask.”

“Oh, um.” Hanbin blinks up at him a few times as he flushes a light pink, and Bobby can feel his own face heating up too. “I-I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Okay,” Bobby says, suddenly feeling incredibly awkward. He’s used to seeing Jinhwan and Junhoe do it, but he’s never really given serious thought to kissing another boy himself before, so he’s not sure where this idea sprang from. But he does know that if it’s for Hanbin’s benefit, if it means Hanbin will be happy, then he’ll do it, no questions asked.

“Come sleep, Kimbap,” Hanbin says, cutting into Bobby’s muddled thoughts. Bobby watches his eyes flutter shut before turning off the lights and joining Hanbin under the blankets, letting Hanbin curl against his chest. Right as he’s about to drift off to sleep, he feels Hanbin mumble against his neck. “You deserve the best, too, you know.”

Bobby doesn’t reply out loud, but the last hazy thought that crosses his mind before he falls asleep is: _I guess that’s why I get to have you_.

~~~

Hanbin approaches Bobby a few weeks later while he’s preparing for his debut with MOBB. Bobby lets Hanbin into the studio with a smile, only to immediately notice that he looks a little anxious. “Hey Hanbinnie. What’s up?”

“Remember that time you said you wouldn’t mind, um, letting me practice, you know, kissing with you?” Hanbin asks, the words spilling from his mouth like he can’t control them.

Bobby is momentarily speechless, Hanbin’s words echoing in his head over and over. “Yeah?” he finally says, and he doesn’t mean to sound so uncertain, but he’s suddenly incredibly nervous and he can’t quite explain why. He remembers suggesting it, but he never really expected Hanbin to take him up on it.

“I was wondering,” Hanbin says carefully, his voice trembling almost imperceptibly, but Bobby knows him too well to miss it. “I was wondering if maybe you, um, you wouldn’t mind doing, uh, other stuff too.”

Bobby’s brain short-circuits. “Huh?” he asks, dazed.

Hanbin’s cheeks are an interesting shade of dark pink, and he fidgets with the hem of his shirt, clearly mortified. “Like,” he says, his voice rising to nearly a squeak, “like helping each other out sometimes.”

“Oh,” Bobby says dumbly, even though he knew perfectly well what Hanbin was asking for the moment he brought it up. “I, uh –” He breaks off, unsure of what to say. It isn’t something he’s ever thought about, but it would be a lie to say he’s put off by the idea of initiating a sexual relationship with Hanbin (and _that_ certainly is a revelation he’s not entirely sure what to do with).

“You don’t have to say yes!” Hanbin says hastily. “It was just – it was a silly thought anyway. I mean, I kind of had a dream – well, actually, never mind, bringing that up will probably make things worse –”

“Hanbinnie,” Bobby interrupts, unsure if he’s just imagining things or if Hanbin really just said he had a _wet dream_ about them together. (And more jarringly, he realizes that he really wants to know the details – but probably just so he knows what Hanbin would like...right?) “I’m not – this isn’t me saying no. I just want to make sure, like absolutely positive, that this is really what _you_ want.”

“It is,” Hanbin says a little too quickly. “It is what I want.”

Bobby nods slowly, his heart pounding so hard it almost hurts. He swallows, acutely aware that what he’s going to say next will permanently change everything between them. “Okay. Then – then I don’t mind.”

Something like relief flashes in Hanbin’s eyes for a split second before he smiles tentatively. “Okay.”

For whatever reason, with Hanbin standing there looking flushed and kind of embarrassed but still undoubtedly happy, Bobby can’t help himself. The door to his studio is closed and no one is likely to come in and they’ve just decided that they’re really going to do this, so he doesn’t feel like there’s anything stopping him from leaning in towards Hanbin right then and there.

He stops inches away from Hanbin’s face, close enough that there can be no mistaking what his intention is, and whispers, “Yes?”

“Yes,” Hanbin breathes, his eyes fluttering shut, and Bobby closes the space between them easily, like he’s been doing it their whole lives.

And Bobby isn’t prepared for how _nice_ it is, to kiss someone he trusts implicitly, who has exactly the same trust in him. He kisses Hanbin a little deeper, his hands finding Hanbin’s waist, and Hanbin seems to melt into his hold. They stay like that for a long time, probably longer than they should, considering this is a first kiss between two people who just agreed to be friends with benefits.

When they pull apart, all Bobby can see is the brilliant shine in Hanbin’s eyes, and he can’t bring himself to regret a thing.

(Looking back, maybe he should have known then that he was already in too deep.)

* * *

Spending time in the studio with Minho is nothing new. Bobby used to do it all the time in their pre-debut days, and there have been plenty of occasions after debut too – they worked for months together when they were writing songs for their duo album, and after Taehyun left, Bobby stayed with Minho for days at a time, making sure he was okay.

It’s almost like they’re living those days again, except this time, it’s Minho’s turn to stay with Bobby.

“Is this what you felt like, back then?” Bobby asks, resting his head on his arms and staring at a spot on the wall.

“Kind of,” Minho says. “It was different, though. Taehyun left because he needed to, because he wasn’t happy. So we were all sad, obviously, but it was also like, we wouldn’t have preferred him to stay and keep suffering, you know?”

“Yeah,” Bobby says, because he does know. He remembers how all the members of iKON, even Chanwoo who hadn’t known Taehyun that well, had also been affected by Taehyun leaving – but they had all understood why he left, in the end. The situation they’re in now, on the other hand, Bobby doesn’t understand at all. He has a million questions and no answers.

“Plus,” Minho adds, “you’re in love with Hanbin so that makes things different too.”

Bobby is so taken aback that for a few moments he forgets how to formulate words. “What?” he says when he finally regains his voice. “How – why would you –”

“Relax, dude,” Minho says, rolling his eyes good-naturedly. “First of all, I’m pretty sure _everyone_ knows, because neither of you have ever been very subtle. And anyway, I realized it a long time ago. Even before you did, probably.”

“Okay...” Bobby says, somewhat shaken by the revelation that his feelings for Hanbin are apparently common knowledge. “But you’re right, I guess. It does kind of make it worse. I just – this feels –” He breaks off with a frustrated huff, not wanting to yell, but he can feel the rage building up inside him. “I just feel so _helpless_.”

“It’s okay to be angry,” Minho says, and Bobby can tell he’s holding back too. “Nothing about this is fair. At all.”

“It’s not just that I’m angry,” Bobby says. “It’s also like, sometimes, I actually feel happy, and then I feel like I’m betraying Hanbin because I’m not sad. But when I really _am_ sad, I feel sorry for the fans who just want me to be happy.” He finally lifts his head to look at Minho. “I want to keep smiling, for the sake of the fans, at least, but at the same time, I also want them to know that I’m _not_ really okay.”

Minho is quiet for a few moments. “You know, Hanbin would be so mad at you right now,” he finally says. Bobby blinks, feeling a little bewildered. Minho gives him a look and plows on. “You really think he would consider you being happy a _betrayal_? Be thankful it’s me with you and not him, because he probably would have smacked you.”

“That’s...” Bobby stops in the middle of his automatic protest, knowing Minho is right. “Yeah, that sounds like him.”

“Also,” Minho continues, “who says you can’t be both happy and sad? That’s how I’m feeling right now. Like, realistically, Hanbin being gone isn’t the end of the world, even if it kind of feels like it is, so I’m still okay and going on with my life. But just because I’m not moping around all the time doesn’t mean I’m not still really upset about it.”

Bobby considers it. “That makes sense. I think that’s how I’m feeling too. Like, kind of so-so, I guess.” He eyes Minho. “Since when have you been all introspective and mature, anyway?”

“Ever since I was born before you,” Minho says smugly, and Bobby can’t help cracking the smallest of smiles at that. “And your emotional turmoil is inspiring. I bet Seungyoon could come up with a pretty great song based on it. Especially since we’re all feeling the same way.”

“I bet he could too,” Bobby says, and he really means it.

(When “SOSO” comes out a few months later, Bobby texts Hanbin immediately.

**To: Hanbinnie <3**

_whenever you listen to soso_

_just know it was kind of written for you_

All the members of Winner find him over the course of that day to talk to him, which is how he learns that Hanbin texted all of them to say thank you. Somehow, it’s exactly what Bobby needed, because his heart feels lighter than it has in a while.)

~~~

Hanbin disappears on the first night after WIN ends, and Bobby is on his way to a full-blown panic attack before Jinhwan points out that Hanbin is most likely in the studio and probably wants to be left alone. “So you’d better be on your way there,” Jinhwan concludes, “and I’ll make sure the rest of the kids are okay.”

Bobby doesn’t need to be told twice, is already out the door as soon as Jinhwan suggests it.

In the studio, he finds Hanbin sitting in darkness, slumped over at a computer whose screen provides the only light in the room. Hesitantly, he flicks the switch on, but Hanbin doesn’t react. Bobby makes his way to Hanbin’s side, wordlessly wrapping his arms around Hanbin, and Hanbin stiffens for a moment before completely melting into Bobby’s embrace. They stay like that for a long time, neither of them making a sound, a damp patch forming on Bobby’s shirt where Hanbin’s face is pressed into his shoulder as tears roll down Bobby’s own cheeks.

Once they’ve calmed down a bit, it’s back to business as usual. Bobby knows that Hanbin must have come here because he has his mind set on writing a song, and he decides that the only real way he can help is to write too. They both work mostly in silence, scribbling their thoughts into their own notebooks and wordlessly exchanging them to select the best lines. Hanbin is better at writing these kinds of songs, always has been, so Bobby isn’t surprised that their final product is mostly composed of Hanbin’s words.

When they’re done, after days of nonstop work, Hanbin looks at Bobby with broken eyes and asks, “What do you think?”

Bobby swallows around the painful lump in his throat. “It’s really good, Hanbin. Perfect for our – for when we debut.”

“It isn’t for us,” Hanbin says, breaking their eye contact in favor of staring pointedly at the floor.

“What?” Bobby asks. “What do you –”

“It’s for the hyungs,” Hanbin says quietly. “For Winner. It’s their style. Can’t you just hear Minho-hyung doing the rap parts in the middle? And Jinwoo-hyung’s soft voice will fit the end of the chorus so well.”

“Hanbin,” Bobby says carefully, trying to think of a tactful way to express his concern.

“It’s a gift for them,” Hanbin says, finally looking up at Bobby again, and there’s pain there, but also determination. “I _want_ them to have it.”

Bobby knows he isn’t going to change Hanbin’s mind, so he nods instead of protesting further. “They’re going to love it,” he says sincerely (because he knows Minho will probably change a few things here and there, but the essence of the song will remain), and suddenly Hanbin’s expression doesn’t seem quite as broken.

Bobby accompanies Hanbin when he goes to present it to the group, partially for moral support but mostly because Hanbin insists, since Bobby helped write some of it. And as he predicted, the members of Winner do love the song, of course, and praise Hanbin endlessly for it.

They’re more interested in bombarding the two of them in questions, though – Jinwoo fusses over the dark circles under Hanbin’s eyes, Seunghoon interrogates Hanbin on exactly how much time he’s been spending in the studio, Seungyoon demands to know whether Yunhyeong has been feeding them properly, Taehyun asks about how the other members of Team B are doing.

Minho elects to pull Bobby aside instead, away from the others, but he too has questions about Hanbin’s well-being, about how he’s holding up, mentally and emotionally. “He isn’t really okay,” Bobby answers honestly. “But none of us are, right now.”

“Take care of him,” Minho says. “Take care of yourself too, obviously, but I trust you to do that.” Bobby watches him sigh as his eyes settle on Hanbin being coddled by the other members of Winner. “Him, I’m not so sure.” Minho’s gaze is heavy with a mixture of affection and worry, and Bobby thinks he understands why Hanbin pined after him for as long as he did.

“I’ll look after him,” Bobby promises.

Minho looks at him like he’s finding some hidden meaning in Bobby’s words. “Yeah,” he says after a pause. “I guess you really will.”

“What does that look mean?” Bobby asks.

“Nothing,” Minho says, a smile spreading across his face. “Just realizing some stuff. You’ll figure it out when you grow up.”

“I’m only two years younger than you, idiot,” Bobby says playfully, and he can’t help the overwhelming relief he feels at still being able to joke around with Minho like this, after everything that’s happened.

He knows that after Winner debuts, everything will probably change again, but for now, their two groups can still be the best friends they’ve always been.

* * *

The members are all gathered in the downstairs living room, discussing something that Bobby isn’t really paying attention to. He lost track of the conversation a while ago, too fixated on the empty space next to him that should be filled with a seventh person but isn’t, and maybe won’t ever be again.

He doesn’t know how long he’s been zoned out for, but he returns to reality in time to see Donghyuk turn to him with a smile. “That works for you too, right? Kimbap?” he asks.

Somewhere in his mind, Bobby is dimly aware that Donghyuk is asking about food (because, right, they had been discussing what they want to order for dinner). But having just been reminiscing about someone who always used that word in an entirely different context, Bobby isn’t thinking straight and his gut reaction is to snap. “ _Don’t call me that_.”

Donghyuk recoils like Bobby slapped him, stunned into silence, and Bobby can feel everyone’s eyes on him. Guilt immediately floods his mind as Donghyuk stammers out a reply. “I-I didn’t – I wasn’t –”

“Bobby,” Jinhwan says sharply, and Bobby can hear the disappointment in his voice loud and clear.

“I’m sorry,” he says, meeting Donghyuk’s eyes momentarily, and he has to look away as another pang of guilt hits him at the hurt he finds there. “Donghyuk, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to –” He breaks off and rubs a hand roughly over his face, trying not to tear up.

Donghyuk, because he’s an angel, tentatively reaches out to touch Bobby’s shoulder. “It’s okay, hyung. I know it’s – I get it.”

Still, Bobby continues to be wracked with guilt, so he goes to Donghyuk’s room later and collapses unceremoniously on his bed. “I’m really sorry, Dongie,” he says quietly, his voice muffled by the pillow his face is half-buried in. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.”

“It’s really not a big deal, hyung,” Donghyuk says, sitting on the edge of the bed and stroking Bobby’s hair gently. “I understand that you didn’t mean it.”

“It was selfish of me,” Bobby says miserably, “to only be thinking of Hanbin all the time.”

Donghyuk is quiet for a few seconds. “Well,” he finally says. “I think about him a lot too, and I’m not the one who’s in love with him, so I can’t really blame you.”

Bobby looks up at Donghyuk, and for a moment, it feels like he’s the younger brother and Donghyuk is the one taking care of him. “Do you think it’ll ever stop feeling this bad?”

“Honestly?” Donghyuk sighs and looks Bobby in the eye. “Probably not. I don’t think this is something any of us can just ‘get over.’ Not really.”

“You’re probably right,” Bobby mumbles. “I shouldn’t take it out on any of you guys, though. I’ll be better about that, I promise.”

“I know you will.” Donghyuk offers Bobby a sad smile. “By the way,” he says. “I’d never use that nickname, you know. That’s only for you two.”

Bobby, in spite of himself, manages a weak smile in return. “Yeah. I know.”

~~~

Bobby is in the studio with Hanbin at some odd hour of the morning, as usual, when it suddenly strikes him that he’s hungry. “Hanbinnie,” he says, trying to shift Hanbin’s focus away from the screen. Both of them are guilty of bad habits when it comes to working in the studio, but at the very least, Bobby is better about taking breaks. “Hanbin,” he repeats patiently.

“Hm?” Hanbin doesn’t take his eyes off what he’s doing, and Bobby shakes his head fondly.

“Hey,” he says, reaching out and turning Hanbin’s face towards him gently.

Hanbin smiles at him sheepishly and finally takes his hand off the mouse. “Sorry, hyung.”

Bobby laughs and ruffles his hair. “It’s okay, man. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with kimbap for our super-late dinner.” He pauses, considering. “Or is it an early breakfast?” Hanbin stares at him in silence for a few moments, a strange expression on his face. “Hanbin?” Bobby presses, wondering what could possibly be wrong.

“Yes, Kimbap?” Hanbin finally replies, a cheeky smile spreading across his face.

Bobby blinks. “Are you saying yes to kimbap or are you...asking?”

“Both!” Hanbin says delightedly. His enthusiasm is incredibly cute, if Bobby is being honest, but also somewhat confusing.

“What are you talking about?” he asks.

“Your name,” Hanbin explains. “You’re Kim Bobby. Which is literally Kim Babi...which is kind of like Kimbap, because it’s almost the same characters!”

Bobby tries to keep a straight face, but the logic is so quintessentially _Hanbin_ that he can’t help mirroring Hanbin’s smile. It isn’t the first time he’s wondered exactly how Hanbin’s mind works, but it _is_ the first time he thinks that maybe it doesn’t matter, as long as Hanbin keeps smiling like that. “Very clever,” he says fondly, and he really means it.

“So I can have kimbap?” Hanbin asks, clearly teasing.

Bobby takes in how pleased Hanbin is with himself, thinks about the way Hanbin’s whole face lit up the moment the dots connected in his head, and he can only agree. “Of course,” he says. “You can have kimbap.”

And they both know he doesn’t just mean their meal anymore, but somehow, it isn’t as weird as Bobby thinks it could be. And when they find out, their fellow trainees tease them about it sometimes, but in the end, it doesn’t matter – because no one can take away the fact that “Kimbap” is _their_ thing.

* * *

Bobby is in his room, staring at the last picture he and Hanbin took together on his phone, when Chanwoo walks in and silently sits next to him on the bed. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Chanwoo glance at his phone, and he hears the sigh Chanwoo releases a moment later, but he can’t tear his eyes away from the carefree smile on Hanbin’s face, the pure and genuine happiness on his own.

“You know Hanbin-hyung misses you just as much as you miss him, right?” Chanwoo finally asks, his voice cutting into the silence between them.

“Huh?” Bobby blinks a few times, surprised by Chanwoo’s bluntness.

“He loves you,” Chanwoo says. “And you love him. So it’s okay to mope around and everything. I’m sure he’s done the same.” He looks Bobby in the eyes and continues. “But don’t you think he would want you to be happy without him too? I don’t think he would like to see you like – like this.” He gestures to Bobby’s disheveled state, his unkempt hair and his crumpled clothes.

It’s not at all what Bobby expects to hear. The other members are still a little careful around him, still try not to mention Hanbin too much. But here Chanwoo is, talking calmly about things no one else has dared to bring up since Hanbin left.

Then again, Chanwoo has never really been afraid to speak his mind, even about things that other people tend to tiptoe around. And maybe that’s exactly what Bobby didn’t know he needed.

He smiles at the younger boy, actually feeling better than he has in a while. “You’re right, of course. Thanks, Chanwoo.”

Chanwoo just rubs the back of his neck, already looking a little embarrassed. “It’s nothing, hyung. I’m – we’re all worried about you.”

“It isn’t nothing,” Bobby says, feeling utterly fond of the boy in front of him. “I’ve been feeling sorry for myself without thinking about the rest of you.” He ruffles Chanwoo’s hair affectionately. “Hanbin would be really proud of you, you know. He _is_ really proud of you.”

“Of course he is,” Chanwoo says, clearly trying to play it off. But he’s smiling too, and Bobby understands why Hanbin always felt protective of Chanwoo right from the start. Chanwoo has grown up a lot since those early days, but he’ll always be their baby.

~~~

It’s already been three hours since Bobby last moved from his spot in front of the computer in the studio. He’s made a lot of progress since he got here at dawn, and he’s still concentrating hard when Chanwoo strolls in.

“Hey, Bobby-hyung!” Chanwoo greets him. “Jinhwan-hyung told me to tell you he and Junhoe will be out all day. Also, Yunhyeong-hyung said he was going to teach us how to cook something later, so I thought I would let you know that if you and Hanbin-hyung want to do something together too, you can.”

Bobby doesn’t fully register Chanwoo’s words at first, still messing around with the sample he’s been working with. “Okay, thanks, Chanwoo.”

“Have fun on your date then!” Chanwoo says cheerfully, and that’s when it finally clicks in Bobby’s head that something isn’t quite right.

He tears his eyes away from the screen to see Chanwoo giving him a thumbs up and looking genuinely happy for him. “Wait, what did you say before?” he asks hesitantly. “I think I missed part of it.”

Chanwoo unquestioningly does as he’s told. “Junhoe and Jinhwan-hyung are on a date, but Yunhyeong-hyung is teaching us how to cook today so it’s okay for you and Hanbin-hyung to go out too. You don’t need to worry about us.”

Bobby blinks a few times, his mind absorbing the words. When it finally sinks in that Chanwoo somehow knows about Junhoe and Jinhwan (and apparently thinks there’s something going on between Bobby and Hanbin too), Bobby reacts like any normal person would. He laughs awkwardly with a loud, “Oh yeah, cool!” before fleeing the room in search of Hanbin.

“Hanbin!” he says urgently, barging into Hanbin’s work area. “Emergency!”

Hanbin bolts upright immediately, his work forgotten and his expression apprehensive. “What happened? Is everyone okay? Did someone get hurt?”

Bobby shakes his head as he tries to catch his breath. “No, it’s – I thought Jinhwan-hyung and Junhoe were waiting until we had a confirmed seventh member to reveal their relationship.”

“They are,” Hanbin says slowly. “Why?”

“Chanwoo knows,” Bobby says, sinking into the seat next to Hanbin. “He said they’re on a date right now, those exact words.”

“Huh,” Hanbin says, and he sounds less bothered than Bobby thought he would. “Interesting.”

“Do you think maybe Yunhyeong told him?” Bobby asks, because Hanbin, for whatever reason, seems to think this isn’t a big deal, but he thinks it really should be.

Hanbin gives him a look. “Do you really think Yunhyeong-hyung would do something that careless?”

Bobby raises his hands defensively. “How else would he know, then?”

“Well,” Hanbin says thoughtfully, “I can’t say I’m surprised. If I had to guess who out of the new kids would figure it out by themselves, I definitely would have chosen him.” Bobby raises an eyebrow at that, a silent bid for Hanbin to continue. “You must have picked up on it too. He’s really good at noticing things.”

“And it isn’t an issue that he knows this?” Bobby asks carefully, deciding not to bring up Chanwoo’s inaccurate observation about himself and Hanbin – that’s a problem for another day. “I mean, he isn’t officially a member, and what if he leaves and tells –”

“He won’t,” Hanbin interrupts, and Bobby is surprised by the conviction in his voice. “I know you’re worried, but I don’t think he’s capable of something like that. And I don’t think you do either.”

Bobby is still a little anxious, but Hanbin is right. “Yeah, I know. I just – panicked.” He thinks about how he left Chanwoo and feels a little embarrassed. “He must think I’m crazy now.”

“Please,” Hanbin says, a mischievous smile on his face. “Even without being as observant as he is, he definitely already thought that.”

Bobby can’t help but smile too. “You’re really fond of him.”

“He’s a good kid,” Hanbin says, his voice soft. “I feel like he could be my little brother or something.” His smile fades slightly as he keeps talking. “I really didn’t want to get too attached to any of them, you know? I knew it would only make everything hurt more later. But it just...happened anyway.”

“I know,” Bobby says sympathetically, because he does know exactly how Hanbin feels. The other original members of Team B had been apprehensive about adding another person, he knows, but he personally had been more afraid of getting too close and then having to say goodbye afterwards.

(It _is_ hard to say goodbye, in the end.

But it works out eventually, because Chanwoo completes them, is the piece they hadn’t even realized they were missing all along.)

* * *

A vague sense of normalcy has returned to the group. They’re all still hyperaware of the missing member all the time, everywhere they go, but they’ve stopped trying to tiptoe around each other. Everyone feels comfortable joking around and teasing each other again, and though it still stings when he thinks about Hanbin, Bobby is sincerely glad that the group is starting to heal.

They decide that things are okay enough for them to hang out in the upstairs dorm and drink together, something they haven’t done in months. A few hours in, Bobby finds himself sitting between Yunhyeong and Junhoe on the floor, relatively sober compared to the others.

“Hey Bobby-hyung,” Junhoe says, suddenly placing a hand on Bobby’s knee. “Aren’t you glad we aren’t awkward anymore?”

“We weren’t that awkward to begin with, you know,” Bobby says, shaking his head fondly.

“Still,” Junhoe insists, and Bobby decides to indulge him a bit.

“Yeah, I am glad,” he says, patting Junhoe’s hand. “Especially since it means I finally get invited to drink with you, instead of you and Jinani-hyung always going off by yourselves.”

“You’re welcome to join us next time,” Junhoe says with a smirk.

Yunhyeong jumps in at that. “Bobby, don’t do it,” he warns. “I’ve walked in on them while they’re ‘drinking’ before, and I had to bleach my whole brain.”

“Yeah, I’ll pass on that,” Bobby says, amused. “Thanks anyway, June-yah.”

Junhoe shakes his head like he’s disappointed. “Just say you hate the gays and go,” he sighs.

Bobby raises an eyebrow, laughing a little. “I’m _part_ of the gays, dude.”

“You just called me _dude_ , so not anymore, you aren’t,” Junhoe retorts.

“Harsh,” Bobby says, wiping away a fake tear. “But I’ll forgive you. Since you’re one of my best friends and all.”

“Ew, you’re so cheesy!” Junhoe says, making a face at him.

“What, I’m not one of your best friends too?” Bobby asks, clutching at his heart. “That hurts, for real.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” Junhoe says, waving a hand dismissively. “Obviously you are.”

“I better be,” Bobby says, grinning because of course Junhoe would think _Bobby_ is the dramatic one.

“But,” Junhoe adds as an afterthought, and Bobby wonders if he actually has a real complaint. “You don’t even support my great poetry.”

“Great poetry, my ass,” Bobby snorts. He doesn’t mean it, not really, but teasing Junhoe is fun, and he’s mostly just relieved that he hasn’t actually done anything to upset his friend. “It’s mediocre, at best.”

“Rude,” Junhoe says. He takes a swig out of his bottle before eyeing Bobby with a shit-eating grin. “Maybe if you finally got laid, you’d be a little nicer.”

“ _Junhoe_ ,” Yunhyeong hisses, belatedly trying to enforce some damage control.

But it’s too late. Because Bobby knows, rationally, that Junhoe is just messing around, that he’s just a little too drunk and his brain-to-mouth filter is shot, but Bobby has already shut down, his mind miles away, thinking about the boy who he spent a year’s worth of nights with, only to have it all taken away.

~~~

Sometimes Bobby wonders if what he and Hanbin are doing counts as a sin. He and Hanbin are both men, of course, but that isn’t what concerns him – his interpretation of his religion involves being tolerant of love, regardless of what form it takes, and if this means he’s gay, then so be it.

The “sex before marriage” part, on the other hand, he’s not so sure about. He’s always considered it to be a sin, always imagined himself abstaining until he gets married, but clearly, all that flew out the window when Hanbin knocked on his door that night. Because the fact of the matter is, being with Hanbin feels _good_ , so good that it’s hard to believe that it’s wrong. And Hanbin is his best friend, someone he trusts with his life and knows will still be in his life years and years from now, so it can’t really be that bad, right?

Once he gets over his initial worries, though, Bobby lets himself focus on the more pleasurable aspects of their nights together. 

Over the course of a year, he comes to possess knowledge of Hanbin than he never imagined having, and he stumbles upon a few realizations about himself too. He finds out that Hanbin isn’t shy at all in bed, is willing to do anything to get what he wants. He discovers, much to his own surprise, that he _likes_ bossing Hanbin around, manhandling him, whispering filthy words in his ears, being in control, and even more shockingly, that Hanbin _loves_ going along with it, loves not having to be in charge for once and being told what to do. He learns that Hanbin’s favorite nickname is “baby,” and that addressing Hanbin like that feels so right that he has to actively remind himself not to say it in front of the others.

But most of all, Bobby realizes that out of everything they’ve done together, what he enjoys most are the moments that come after they finish: taking care of Hanbin in the aftermath, the soft kisses they share, the way they fall asleep with their arms around each other.

And that probably should have been a warning sign – but unfortunately for both of them, Bobby doesn’t figure it out until it’s too late.

Because like most good things, it has to get more complicated at some point, and the dream has to reach its abrupt end. And sure enough, it all comes to a head a few weeks after Bobby’s solo album is released.

“Bobby.” His name is the only thing Hanbin says when he walks into Bobby’s room, and that more than anything sets off warning bells. No “Kimbab,” no playful addition of “hyung,” no “Jiwonnie.” Just his name. And from that alone, Bobby knows he isn’t going to like this conversation.

“What’s up?” he asks, trying to maintain some semblance of nonchalance, despite his internal panic.

“I think we need to stop,” Hanbin says, his face carefully blank.

Bobby feels like the room has gotten a few degrees colder. “Stop what?” It’s a feeble attempt to stall. He knows perfectly well what Hanbin is talking about, and Hanbin knows it.

“Just –” Hanbin swallows, and for a moment, there’s the tiniest flicker of dejection on his face, a slip in his mask before he turns expressionless again, his words stiff and formal. “Thank you for everything, but I think our – our _arrangement_ has run its course.”

“Bab– Hanbin.” Bobby manages to cut himself off from accidentally calling Hanbin “baby,” but even he doesn’t know how to complete his thought. He doesn’t know why this hurts as much as it does, either – after all, them sleeping together was always supposed to be a temporary thing anyway, so there’s no real reason to be upset. All he knows is that he doesn’t _want_ Hanbin to mean what he’s saying, doesn’t want him to go through with ending this.

“Thank you, Bobby,” Hanbin repeats, and again, the use of just his name is jarring – it all feels awfully final. On his way out the door, he turns and looks back, a smile tinged with sadness on his lips. “You’re still my best friend no matter what, you know.”

And Bobby nods, tries to smile even though he isn’t happy, because that should be enough for him. Hanbin’s friendship should be enough. 

(It’ll take him a couple more years to realize why it isn’t.)

* * *

Their first schedule after Hanbin’s departure is far from the first time Bobby has performed without Hanbin, but it _is_ the first time iKON has had to do anything major without the person who’s always led them through everything. Bobby does the best he can under the circumstances, because even if YG doesn’t deserve it, the fans do, and even more than that, _Hanbin_ deserves better than for his departure to have been in vain.

Bobby knows it’s probably the worst performance he’s ever given, knows that everyone in the stadium can hear the white-hot rage in his voice as he raps parts of songs that were never meant to be his. And seeing Jinhwan break down crying, seeing the tell-tale glimmer of tears in Junhoe’s eyes, hearing the unsteadiness in Donghyuk’s voice and the pain in Yunhyeong’s smile and the uncertainty on Chanwoo’s face, only makes him more furious. So even though he knows he shouldn’t, he storms off the stage as soon as their bows are done, unable to contain his emotions any longer.

Alone in the dressing room, he slumps down in a chair, and his tears fall freely, burning as they roll down his cheeks. He thinks about a time, not so long ago, when Hanbin took a picture of the six other members, and Jinhwan had playfully called out, “It’s meaningless without you!” And it had been a lighthearted comment, meant to be teasing, about the picture that only captured six members instead of seven.

But it feels deeper now, because iKON without Hanbin feels meaningless too. Everything they’re doing, everything iKON has accomplished, belongs to Hanbin a little more than the rest of them. It’s only fair, because no one has done, nor will they ever be able to do more for the group than Hanbin has.

And – what a revelation, to realize that all of this means absolutely nothing without Hanbin here with them, with _him_.

Bobby sobs into his hands, lets the pent-up anger inside him melt away into grief, and misses Hanbin with his entire being.

~~~

After he won Show Me the Money, Bobby assumed that the solo album he would eventually end up making would be his usual genre, what he’s most familiar with: rap. Now that he’s finally been given the go ahead from the CEO, though, he realizes that rap songs aren’t really on his mind anymore.

These days, the lyrics that come to him most naturally are about things he used to think were too sappy, things like dating and holding hands and being in love. Things he doesn’t actually have, but is starting to think might be nice.

(It escapes him, somehow, that there already _is_ someone in his life who he spends every day and most nights with, who holds his hands all the time, who he loves and who loves him back.)

Though Bobby isn’t entirely sure where his inspiration is coming from, _Love and Fall_ comes together easily, in the end. And of course, Hanbin is the first to hear the final product. Bobby watches Hanbin react to each song, listens to his feedback and all the compliments he has to offer, and entirely misses the hint of sadness in Hanbin’s eyes.

“You did really well,” Hanbin says after he’s done listening to the whole thing. “It’s a different style than I thought you would do, but it suits you.”

“Thanks, Hanbinnie,” Bobby says, smiling. Hanbin’s praise is worth a lot, because he would never be anything but brutally honest about something as important as this.

Hanbin glances at his watch and stands abruptly. “I have to go now, but thank you for letting me listen to it, hyung,” he says, offering Bobby a little smile. He turns around right as he’s about to leave and adds, “Whoever you were thinking about is really lucky. I’m glad you found someone you love so much.”

He’s out the door before Bobby can tell him he _hasn’t_ found anyone yet, and Bobby is left standing in the middle of the room, wondering why he suddenly feels a little emptier than he did before.

(Performing by himself always comes with a rush, but Bobby still spends the entire promotion cycle thinking about his group more than his solo career. It’s strange, really. When he tries to picture himself continuing on as a solo artist after their time as iKON comes to a close, he can’t do it.

No matter how he looks at it, there’s always a second rapper by his side, the same one who’s been with him from the start. It doesn’t bother him much, though. After all, there are worse fates than spending the rest of his life at Hanbin’s side.)

* * *

“Have you heard?” Hayi is the last person Bobby expects to walk through the door of the studio, but there she is, her face contorted in fury.

“Depends on what it is I’m supposed to have heard,” Bobby says carefully. He likes Hayi, considers her to be a friend, but he’s never been close to her the way Hanbin is, so he’s a little startled by her sudden appearance.

“About Hanbin’s songs,” she says, leaning against the table and fixing her gaze on Bobby. “They’re taking his name off everything.”

Bobby sees red. “They’re _what_?” He’s been locked up in the studio for a while, but he really should have heard about this earlier.

Even through his rage, though, he can see the satisfaction on Hayi’s face and knows this is why she came to him before anyone else – she knew he would be even angrier than she is. “They wanted me to take his voice off ‘No One’ too,” she continues.

“You told them to go fuck themselves, right?” Bobby can barely control his own words, he’s so furious.

Hayi smirks, and it’s kind of terrifying, paired with the fire in her eyes, but Bobby thinks it’s also reassuring that Hanbin has so many people in his corner. “I’m on my way there right now,” she says. “But I figured you’d like the chance to do the same.”

“Oh, you fucking bet,” Bobby says, already on his feet. Realistically, there isn’t much they can actually do and they both know it, but for Hanbin, it’s worth it to at least try.

“Good,” Hayi says approvingly. “You know, I always thought you and Hanbin were cute, but it’s nice to see you getting all protective.”

Bobby can’t find it in himself to feel embarrassed. “Yeah, well. If they think they can just shit on my Songwriter-of-the-Year boyfriend’s achievements, they’ve got something else coming.”

Hayi grins. “Let’s go give them hell.”

~~~

All seven of them go into the Melon Music Awards with low expectations, hardly daring to hope that they could potentially walk away that night with two major awards, one being a _daesang_ , in their arms. Bobby can see the anxiety in Hanbin’s eyes in particular and wishes there was some way to reassure him.

Their performance is a welcome break, but then they’re back in their seats, fraught with nervousness. They wait in silence for the songwriter of the year to be announced, and Bobby knows he shouldn’t pray for selfish reasons, but is it really selfish to quietly mumble a quick prayer if Hanbin _deserves_ this?

And then Hanbin’s name is called.

Bobby watches Hanbin skip up to accept the award and is filled with a giddy sort of pride, overflowing with affection for the boy onstage. As he walks with the others to join Hanbin and listens to Hanbin’s speech, he thinks he’s never been more in awe of the amazing man he gets to call his leader and his best friend.

Hanbin is clearly still high on the euphoria of the unexpected win, and Bobby welcomes Hanbin’s decision to sit next to him when they return to their seats. (Secretly, he’s been hoping for it all night.) The wait is even more tense this time, because they all know who their competition for song of the year is, and they’re well aware that the odds are against them.

Bobby manages to keep a straight face as they announce all the nominees, even as his heart rate increases with each passing second. And then he hears “iKON,” hears the name “Love Scenario,” hears _their_ group and _their_ song being declared the winner, and his immediate reaction, the only thing he can possibly think of doing, is to turn to Hanbin.

Hanbin, predictably, is utterly in shock, clearly unsure of how to react and what to do with himself, already half in tears, but he’s clinging to the back of Bobby’s shirt as he tries to stand on unsteady feet. All Bobby can do is help him up and pull him into his arms, laughing, feeling lighter than he ever has before.

The other members are reaching towards Hanbin too, but Bobby holds onto him for longer than he probably should, gives himself just a few extra seconds, because this song belongs to all of them, of course, but he helped Hanbin with it the most, even wrote a little bit of it, and he knows the others will understand and let them have this one selfish moment together.

They walk to the podium together, the seven of them, and Bobby thinks about how they all gave up their teenage years for this, in pursuit of a wild dream, but as their leader, Hanbin had to give up the most. The pure delight on Hanbin’s face, the ecstasy he must be feeling, makes Bobby think that maybe that sacrifice was worth it.

Later, Bobby joins Hanbin on the bed in Hanbin’s room. Hanbin is staring at the ceiling, his expression still dazed even hours later, but Bobby only has eyes for Hanbin.

“You’re glowing,” Bobby finally says, breaking their comfortable silence, and Hanbin turns his head to look at him in confusion.

“What?” he asks, his eyebrows furrowed, and Bobby is overcome with the strongest urge to kiss the creases on his forehead away.

“You shine so brightly, Hanbinnie,” Bobby says softly. “We’re so lucky to have you. _I’m_ so lucky.”

“You’ve said that before,” Hanbin says, looking a little flustered as he avoids Bobby’s gaze.

“And I’ve meant it every time,” Bobby says sincerely, reaching out a hand to turn Hanbin’s face back towards him.

“Jiwonnie-hyung,” Hanbin whines, and Bobby can see the soft red flush, which had already been coloring his cheeks ever since they shared celebratory drinks with the members earlier, darken slightly. “Stop it.”

“I’m serious,” Bobby insists. “I’m so, so proud of you. So proud to call you my leader and my friend.”

Hanbin is still a little pink but he smiles shyly. “Are you proud enough to give me a reward?”

There’s no mistaking the flirtatious edge in Hanbin’s voice, but it’s been a long time since they’ve done anything remotely like what Hanbin is clearly hinting at, so Bobby carefully backtracks, just to be sure. “Of course I’ll give you everything I can. Whatever you want.”

“What if I want _you_?” Hanbin asks, and Bobby knows Hanbin is tipsy, but not nearly drunk enough to not know exactly what he’s saying, exactly what he’s asking for.

“You already have me, baby,” Bobby says, his voice coming out much softer than he intended. “Always.”

For a few moments, the atmosphere in the room is too soft, too intimate, and Bobby feels like he can’t breathe. “Then why are you all the way over there?” Hanbin finally demands, breaking the tension as he reaches out towards Bobby with grabby hands.

Bobby laughs quietly as he moves closer to hover over Hanbin. “You’re cute,” he says, bumping his nose against Hanbin’s gently and filled with so much affection he feels like he could burst. Hanbin leans up impatiently, brushing their lips together, but Bobby makes sure the kiss they share is slow and unhurried, because tonight, they have all the time in the world. “Just relax,” he whispers. “I’ll give you the celebration you deserve.”

* * *

As the plans for a new comeback start to circulate, Bobby finds himself becoming more and more tense. He doesn’t want to disappoint the fans, but there’s no way his heart can be 100 percent into a comeback that Hanbin isn’t a part of. And then he starts thinking about promotions, and how empty every interview is going to feel, and it makes him so anxious that he actually walks out in the middle of a dance practice without any explanation.

Jinhwan, of course, is the one to chase after him. He sits next to Bobby where he’s slumped against a wall in a hallway that no one ever uses, and for a few long moments, they sit like that in silence.

“Bobby,” Jinhwan finally says, not unkindly. “I need you to talk to me. I know this has been the toughest on you, but you can’t just bottle everything up all the time.”

Bobby sighs and meets Jinhwan’s eyes. It’s the worry he finds there, more than anything else, that makes him immediately cave. “I just – I’m scared of the day we have to do our first interview without him.”

“Ah,” Jinhwan says, nodding, and Bobby already knew he would understand but it’s a relief to see Jinhwan’s expression soften. “You’re afraid of the empty space next to you.”

“He’s always been there,” Bobby says quietly. “Even when I was promoting my solo and with MOBB, I could still _talk_ about him, at least, if I wanted to. But we definitely can’t do that now.”

“I’m not going to lie and say it’ll be okay,” Jinhwan says after a few moments of consideration. He looks serious, and it’s moments like this that remind Bobby that Jinhwan really is the eldest in the group. “I’m definitely not fine, and I know none of the others are, either. But I think Hanbin would want us to try our best to at least act like we are, don’t you? For the fans’ sake.”

Bobby nods. “He would.” He runs a hand through his hair tiredly. “It just feels wrong to be doing this without him.”

“I know,” Jinhwan says, and there’s a deep sadness in his voice. “I don’t want to be without him any more than you do.”

Bobby thinks about how Jinhwan was with Hanbin right from the very first day, and how this whole situation has probably been more difficult for Jinhwan than he’s letting on. “I’m sorry I’ve been acting like this is harder for me than it is for you,” Bobby says, suddenly feeling a little guilty. “I know you care about him just as much.”

“Maybe so,” Jinhwan says, waving off the apology. “But it’s different for both of us, and the way you’ve dealt with it makes perfect sense. I know that if it were Junhoe, I probably would have reacted way worse than you have.” He reaches out and squeezes Bobby’s shoulder comfortingly. “Being in love is just like that.” And Bobby doesn’t recall ever telling Jinhwan about his feelings for Hanbin, but it figures that Jinhwan knows anyway.

“I guess,” Bobby says, somewhat placated. “Anyway, I think I just need more time to prepare myself for that empty space next to me, like you said.”

Jinhwan smiles wryly. “I can hold your hand instead, if you want.”

“Absolutely not,” Bobby says immediately, cracking a small smile at that. “These hands are for Hanbin only.”

“Good, because I didn’t want to touch your sweaty palms anyway,” Jinhwan teases.

“Shut up, hyung,” Bobby says, shaking his head, though he’s laughing a little too. “But thank you.”

Jinhwan ruffles Bobby’s hair, his expression fond. “It’s nothing, Bobby. I’m always here for you.”

~~~

In the moment, Bobby writes down his “concern” about Hanbin’s touchiness thinking it’s funny. The fans have been into JunBob lately, he knows, so they’ll enjoy his comment about Junhoe being upset, and it’s also kind of hilarious to make Jinhwan jealous. (The members had all originally thought that Junhoe would get jealous more easily – it hadn’t taken long for them to realize that Jinhwan is actually the possessive one.) He isn’t thinking particularly deeply about any other implications his complaint might have, so it doesn’t seem like a big deal at the time.

Later, though, as they’re waiting to start the broadcast and Hanbin is playing with Bobby’s hands, Bobby suddenly rethinks everything in a slight panic.

“Hanbinnie,” he whispers. “Don’t take what I wrote seriously, okay? I was just playing around. I didn’t mean it.”

Hanbin looks at him, a little bewildered. “What are you talking about?”

Bobby squeezes Hanbin’s hand, feeling more guilty by the second, though he can’t exactly explain why. He isn’t even thinking about the nights they’ve spent together over the last year, to be honest (but he certainly doesn’t want to lose those either). It’s really just _this_ , the way Hanbin is touching him so innocently and affectionately, that reminds him that he wouldn’t want any of it to be taken away. “Just – don’t think I was saying anything genuine,” he says. “I was just kidding.”

Hanbin eyes him curiously. “What are you being all serious for? It’s just a game. I already know none of us are going to be saying actual concerns.” Bobby knows he’s right, and he suddenly feels a little silly for feeling so bad about it. Hanbin seems to sense that, because he strokes the back of Bobby’s hand with his thumb reassuringly. “It’s nice of you to worry, but I promise I’ll be fine.”

Bobby smiles at him, and they sit there for a few moments before Jinhwan interrupts them by clearing his throat loudly. “Sorry to break up whatever this is,” he says, not sounding sorry at all, “but you’re in my seat, Bobby.”

“We don’t have assigned seats,” Bobby says, overcome with an inexplicable wave of annoyance.

Jinhwan smirks at him. “That isn’t any way to speak to your hyung. Anyway, I’m _so_ sad to have to separate the dream duo here, but the staff said you two can’t be next to each other. Something about being too distracting.”

Hanbin’s hand disentangles from Bobby’s as Jinhwan speaks, and Bobby finds that he doesn’t like the loss of contact. “But –” he tries to say.

“Come on,” Jinhwan cuts him off. “You’ll have plenty of time to cuddle with Hanbinnie later.”

Bobby reflexively opens his mouth to retort with some kind of comment about what Jinhwan can go do with Junhoe instead, but Hanbin speaks first. “We weren’t cuddling,” he says, his voice oddly strained, and Bobby wonders why he’s suddenly become so flustered.

“Sure you weren’t,” Jinhwan says with a wink. “Move along, Bobby.” Reluctantly, Bobby does as he’s told, but not before reaching out to squeeze the back of Hanbin’s neck gently in an attempt to comfort him. He gets a little smile in return, so it feels like a victory.

(After the broadcast starts, Bobby cheats out of pettiness during the game to determine the MC in an attempt to move back to the middle seat. Somehow, no one calls him out on it, so he returns to his rightful seat next to Hanbin triumphantly, flashing a smug smile Jinhwan’s way.

He misses the knowing look in Jinhwan’s eyes as he settles down comfortably with Hanbin pressed against his side like he’s meant to be there.)

* * *

Bobby is sitting next to Yunhyeong on the couch as some drama that neither of them are paying attention to plays in the background.

“You know,” Yunhyeong says out of the blue, turning to look at Bobby. “I was thinking the other day.”

“Careful,” Bobby says, smiling slightly. “You don’t want to hurt yourself.”

Yunhyeong shoves his arm lightly. “Shut up, I’m trying to help _you_.”

“Okay, okay, sorry,” Bobby concedes with a laugh. “What were you thinking about?”

“I had this idea. You’re pretty good at hiding your identity, right?” Yunhyeong says. Bobby raises an eyebrow, wondering where Yunhyeong is going with this, but he doesn’t say anything, and Yunhyeong continues. “And Hanbin’s mom’s place isn’t that far.”

Bobby gapes at him. “Wait, you think I should – go there? Just like that? Is that even possible?”

Yunhyeong shrugs. “You can sneak out easily enough, and you have us to cover for you if we have to.”

“Huh,” Bobby says. It sounds so simple, when Yunhyeong puts it like that, straightforward in a way that things haven’t been for a long time. Still, doubt nags at him relentlessly. “But isn’t it kind of selfish? For only me to go, I mean.”

“Bobby,” Yunhyeong says, and he looks so fond that for an absurd moment, Bobby almost feels like crying. “You deserve to be selfish for once, after all this. None of us will be upset with you for taking this little piece of happiness for yourself.”

So Bobby finds himself outside Hanbin’s mother’s house the next day, knocking softly on the door while making sure his face is completely hidden.

“Who – oh, Jiwon!” Hanbin’s mother greets him, shock giving way to recognition as she takes in the covered-up outfit he usually wears when he visits. “What a surprise!”

“Hi, Eomma,” Bobby says, bowing slightly. “I know I should have called first, but –”

“Of course you didn’t need to!” Hanbin’s mother ushers him into the living room after he takes off his shoes, shutting the door behind him. “It’s always good to see you. Hanbyul has been missing you too.”

Bobby smiles at that. “Is she here?”

As if on cue, he hears footsteps running down the stairs, and seconds later, Hanbyul runs into the living room. “Bobby-oppa!”

“Hi, Hanbyul,” Bobby says, his smile widening as he opens his arms for a hug. “You’ve gotten so much taller!”

She dashes into his arms happily. “I missed you! Hanbin-oppa is always sad without you here.”

Bobby kisses the top of her head and sighs. “I’m sad without him, too.”

“He isn’t here today, unfortunately,” Hanbin’s mother says apologetically. Bobby is definitely disappointed to hear that, but seeing Hanbin’s mom and sister is always nice too. “He’s still overworking himself, of course. But he’ll be happy to hear you visited, and now you have a reason to come back soon!” She walks into the kitchen and calls, “I’ll make you some tea and snacks to bring back to the boys, okay?”

“Ah, you really don’t need to,” Bobby replies bashfully. “But thank you, Eomma.” He turns his attention to Hanbyul, who’s beaming up at him from his lap. Her innocent smile makes his chest hurt. “You know, Hanbyul, I’m sorry I broke my promise to you.”

Hanbyul’s face clouds with confusion. “What promise?”

Bobby laughs softly. “You were really little back then, so it must be hard for you to remember. I promised I would never let anything bad happen to your brother.” He ruffles her hair and smiles a little sadly. “But something bad happened to him anyway.”

“But,” Hanbyul says, a frown growing on her lips. “But that wasn’t your fault, Bobby-oppa.” She looks up at him, the same determination in her eyes that he’s seen countless times in Hanbin’s. “I know that you still protect him the best out of anyone. Because you love him the most, right?”

Tears prick the corners of Bobby’s eyes, but he wills them away as he hugs Hanbyul again. “Yeah,” he says, immeasurably grateful that Hanbin has someone like her in his life. “I do.”

~~~

Hanbyul is barely old enough to understand what any of them are saying to her the first time Bobby meets her. Still, he, Hanbin, and Jinhwan all crowd around the little girl, eager to play with her during a rare break.

“Hanbyul-ah, this is your Bobby-oppa and Jinhwan-oppa!” Hanbin says, balancing Hanbyul carefully in his arms. “Can you say hi?” Hanbyul just hides her face in his shirt, clearly shy, and Hanbin laughs a little. “Sorry, guys, I don’t think she wants to meet you.”

After they coddle her for a bit longer, though, she warms up to them somewhat, even lets Jinhwan and Bobby hold her. Bobby is actually nervous, once he has her in his arms, because he hasn’t had much practice holding babies before. But Hanbyul is very calm, peering up at him with big eyes that resemble Hanbin’s so closely, and Bobby finds himself relaxing naturally.

“Thank you for trusting me, Hanbyul,” he says softly, when Jinhwan and Hanbin are distracted talking to Hanbin’s mother. Hanbyul doesn’t say anything, of course, but Bobby smiles at her anyway. “In return, I’ll make you a promise, okay? I promise that I’ll always take care of Hanbinnie, and I’ll never let anything bad happen to him.”

And maybe he’s just imagining it, but he thinks that for a moment, Hanbyul smiles back at him.

* * *

Bobby has to laugh at the blatant signal the company is trying to send by forcing them to hold a fan event on Hanbin’s birthday. _Hanbin isn’t part of the group anymore, and we won’t let you forget it_.

It backfires spectacularly, though, because neither the fans nor the group are ready to let go of Hanbin yet. So the members sing “B-DAY” with more intensity than they ever have before, shout “Happy birthday!” into the venue so there’s no doubt who they’re all thinking about. And Bobby knows Hanbin still watches all their performances like the dedicated leader he is, so it’s nice, knowing Hanbin will see that they’re still fighting for him, as much as they can.

But is this _really_ as much as they can do? An idea strikes Bobby then, and he can’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the evening. The longer he sits in his too-empty hotel room, missing the presence of the man who used to join him most nights, the more he thinks that he needs to do something bigger.

“You deserve more,” Bobby murmurs out loud as he watches one of his favorite videos of Hanbin performing. “You deserve a birthday present you’re never going to forget.”

He can’t help himself, in the end. In this moment, Hanbin is the most important thing in his life – so he forgets the reasons he can’t do what he’s about to do, forgets the people who have his career on a leash, forgets everything except Hanbin and his happiness.

He goes through with his idea: he posts the video on Instagram with the caption “Happy birthday, I miss you” and tells the world that Hanbin is his beloved brother. And it feels _damn_ good.

Predictably, Hanbin calls him bright and early the next morning. “What were you _thinking_?” Hanbin all but yells as soon as Bobby picks up.

“Happy late birthday, Hanbinnie,” Bobby says, his mind still groggy. “Love you.”

“Yeah, I love you too, but what the _hell_!” Hanbin’s voice rises in pitch with every word and Bobby has to bite back a laugh. “You risked the group, your career, for what? To make a birthday post for _me_?”

“You’re worth it,” Bobby says, because it really is that simple. “Of course you’re worth it, baby. You’re my world.”

“S-stop it!” Hanbin says, clearly trying to keep his composure – he’s always melted under praise. “I’m trying to be _mad_ at you for making a reckless decision that could affect the whole group.”

“Donghyuk and Yunhyeong liked the post,” Bobby says nonchalantly. “And the other three texted me congratulations for, and I quote, ‘growing a pair,’ so I think it’s safe to say that the group cares about as much as I do about the consequences.”

Hanbin lets out an annoyed huff, and Bobby can perfectly envision the pout on his lips, the flush in his cheeks. “Fine,” he says. “I guess it was – sweet of you. It might have made me smile more than I have in months. Maybe.”

Bobby grins, feeling a lot more awake now. “I’m glad you liked it.”

“But you really should be careful,” Hanbin says, his tone a little sadder. “I don’t want you and the others to suffer for no reason.”

“I already told you,” Bobby says patiently. “You’re worth it. Completely. I don’t care about what some fucker in the boardroom of YGE has to say about what I post on my own social media.” He pauses, then continues a little more softly than before. “Anyway, there’s nothing they can take now that matters more than what they’ve already taken from me. They can’t hurt me anymore.”

Hanbin is quiet for a few moments. “Hyung,” he finally says, his voice small.

“I mean it,” Bobby says. “You’re more important than anything else, okay? I’ll never stop fighting for you.”

“Okay,” Hanbin agrees, before his voice turns shy. “Thank you. Really.”

Bobby smiles, and though he can’t see Hanbin, he knows he’s doing the same. “Anything for you, Hanbinnie. Always.”

~~~

Things are weird between Bobby and Hanbin after Hanbin revokes the “with benefits” part of their friendship. They still talk to each other, of course, still work together in the studio sometimes and go out with the other members, but there’s a gap between them, a conspicuous break that Bobby doesn’t know how to mend.

They stay like that for almost a year. In the end, Bobby snaps after receiving a very tepid “Happy birthday, Bobby” from Hanbin in the group chat. It’s the least enthusiastic, least personal birthday wish he’s ever gotten from Hanbin, and considering the night they had spent together just a couple of weeks ago after the Melon Music Awards, it’s the final straw that has him barging into Hanbin’s studio with only one goal in mind – to finally sit down and _talk_.

He finds Hanbin working with Jaewon, the two of them leaning close together as they discuss something, and for a moment, Bobby’s chest feels too tight.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Bobby says, and they both turn to look at him, clearly surprised by his sudden appearance. “Could I talk to Hanbin?” Bobby asks as politely as he can, his eyes fixed on Jaewon. “I have, um, some things I need to tell him. Privately.”

Jaewon raises an eyebrow, but nods and stands up. “Sure. See you later, Hanbinnie,” he says. On the way out the door, he adds, “And happy birthday, Bobby. Hope it’s a good one.”

 _Yeah_ , Bobby thinks. _Me too_. He drops onto the couch and looks up to find Hanbin watching him curiously from his computer chair. “Come sit here,” Bobby says, patting the space next to him.

Hanbin joins him warily, and Bobby is acutely aware of the deliberate distance Hanbin keeps between their legs. “What’s up?”

“I just –” Bobby takes a deep breath before letting everything spill. “I don’t like that things have gotten like this between us,” he says in a rush. “I know everything got a little weird after – after we stopped, you know, doing stuff, but I feel like I never see you anymore, except when you’re in here with Jaewon-hyung.”

“I could say the same,” Hanbin says quietly. “About you and Donghyuk.”

Bobby stills. This isn’t the first time he’s tentatively mentioned Hanbin’s attachment to Jaewon, but it is the first time Hanbin has countered. He knows he can’t say anything against it, though, because Hanbin has a point. “I – that’s – I know.” They look at each other in silence, and Bobby hasn’t felt this awkward around Hanbin since the day they met.

After several long moments, Hanbin swallows and speaks again. “Do you –” He breaks off, looking uncertain, before suddenly pressing on, a renewed determination in his voice. “Bobby, do you hate Jaewon-hyung?”

“What?” Bobby asks, a little bewildered by the accusation. “No, of course not!” _I just hate seeing you with him_ , his traitorous mind supplies.

“Because you’ve never said anything about seeing me with any of the others,” Hanbin continues, apparently gaining confidence with each word. “Like, I spend a lot of time with Hayi too, but you don’t have a problem with that. It’s only Jaewon-hyung that you keep bringing up like this.”

Bobby has no idea what to say to that. How can he possibly tell Hanbin the truth, that the reason Jaewon in particular has always irked him is that he’s exactly the kind of person Hanbin is likely to fall for? How can he explain that he doesn’t know why the thought of Hanbin dating Jaewon makes his heart race with anxiety, but every time he pictures it, he selfishly hopes it never actually happens?

“I –” Bobby hesitates, but then he sees the pain in Hanbin’s eyes and knows he has to fix this. “I miss my best friend,” he finally says, and it isn’t the whole truth, but he thinks it’s enough for now. “And seeing you with him all the time makes it feel like you’re, well –”

“Replacing you,” Hanbin finishes, and his expression makes Bobby’s heart ache.

“You feel the same,” Bobby realizes, “when I’m with Donghyuk.” Hanbin just nods, and Bobby internally curses himself for not noticing it sooner. “Hanbinnie,” he says softly. “The way I see him, he’s like...he’s the younger brother I never had, you know? He balances me out.”

“Yeah,” Hanbin mumbles, looking down at his hands. “I know that.”

“But you,” Bobby says, and before he can think too deeply about it, he’s reaching out to take one of Hanbin’s hands in his own. “With you, it’s different. It’s like – I don’t know.” He wonders briefly if he should say what he’s thinking, or if it might be too much, but Hanbin is looking at him like his world hinges on getting answers and Bobby knows he needs to finish what he started. “It’s like you complete me.”

He’s startled to see tears forming in Hanbin’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” Hanbin whispers, wiping at his eyes with his free hand. “I’m s-so sorry.”

Bobby gently removes Hanbin’s hand from his face and brushes the tears away himself. “There’s nothing to apologize for, Hanbinnie. I should have seen you were hurting.”

Hanbin moves closer then, and Bobby takes a chance, pulls Hanbin into his arms, and is relieved to feel Hanbin immediately melt into him. “I should have seen it too,” Hanbin says. He sighs softly. “I just thought – I used to think we brought out the best in each other, you know, like we were – soulmates or something, but then things got so – so uncomfortable between us that I thought maybe _you_ didn’t feel that way.”

“Well, I do,” Bobby says firmly. “We’re Bobby and B.I, after all, aren’t we? We go together.”

“Right,” Hanbin says, and Bobby can see that he’s smiling a little. He thinks he’s never seen anything so radiant. “No matter what.”

“So we’re good,” Bobby says, just to make absolutely sure.

“We’re good,” Hanbin confirms. “And thank you for – for finally saying something. I hated it too. Being like that.” Bobby just smiles warmly at him, and Hanbin mirrors his expression. “Now, enough of this. Come on, Kimbab,” he says, standing abruptly and holding out his hand for Bobby to take. Bobby does so gladly, without question. He thinks he’d go anywhere Hanbin asked him to. “We shouldn’t spend your whole birthday being all emotional. I’ll treat you to lunch.”

(Bobby gets a proper Instagram post afterwards, and he feels like the dark cloud that has hovered over their friendship for too long has finally completely vanished.)

~~~

Bobby doesn’t expect Hanbin to post anything for his birthday this year. He wakes up to a phone call, rather than a text, and hearing Hanbin’s voice for the first time in weeks is already more than he had been willing to hope for.

But later in the day, he sees the post from Lab5gam on Instagram and nearly cries. The broken syntax used to say “Happy birthday,” the “Let’s be happy” hashtag – it’s all too obvious who posted it.

He knows that it’s Hanbin.


	2. The Middle

**From: Hanbinnie <3**

_i’m sorry_

Bobby stares at the message for several moments, trying to understand what Hanbin could possibly be sorry for. He contemplates messaging Jinhwan to ask what Hanbin means, but like he’s reading Bobby’s mind, Jinhwan texts him first.

**From: Jinani-hyung <3**

_instagram_

_im going to the studio, check the dorm_

_hurry_

_please_

With panic rising up his throat, Bobby checks Instagram as he starts walking as quickly as he can towards the dorms. His blood turns to ice as he takes in Hanbin’s most recent post, and then he’s breaking into a run, vaguely registering the constant buzzing of his phone as the other members react to Hanbin’s vague message.

He’s half-blinded by tears by the time he bursts into the dorm and throws open the door to Hanbin’s room.

**To: Jinani-hyung <3**

_hes here_

_let me talk to him first_

_give us an hour_

“Hanbin,” Bobby says, tucking his phone away even as it vibrates with Jinhwan’s reply. Hanbin ignores him, continuing to haphazardly shove his belongings into a bag. “ _Hanbin_ ,” he repeats, his voice cracking, and Hanbin finally looks up.

Even through watery eyes, Bobby can see the frightening, deadly calm on Hanbin’s face as they stare at each other in silence. His heart shatters at the sight. “You can’t stop me,” Hanbin says quietly.

“I know,” Bobby chokes out, and he does nothing to stop the tears flowing silently down his cheeks. He’s positive that this is coming from the company, not from Hanbin, but Hanbin is clearly set on this now.

“I did this to myself,” Hanbin continues stiffly, looking away like he’s ashamed to meet Bobby’s eyes.

“No, you didn’t,” Bobby says automatically, though he knows nothing he says is going to change Hanbin’s mind. Hanbin has always been annoyingly stubborn like that. “Look at me, Hanbinnie, please?”

Hanbin reluctantly turns to face him again. “ _I did this_ ,” he repeats harshly.

Bobby loathes his hard tone, because B.I – the hardass leader who demands nothing less than perfection – might be unyielding, but Kim Hanbin – who craves affection and adores animals and falls in love too easily – is _soft_ , and Bobby wishes he didn’t have to watch that boy disappear in front of his eyes.

“Hanbinnie,” he whispers, and the distance between them is too much to take. He doesn’t think he can stand going another moment without Hanbin in his arms, and Hanbin seems to realize that because the next second, he’s crawling onto Bobby’s lap and tucking himself into Bobby’s embrace.

Bobby doesn’t know how long they sit like that, clinging to each other like it’s the last time they’ll get the chance to do so – and dread fills his mind along with the realization that it very well _could_ be. He holds onto Hanbin even more tightly, his tears seeping through the thin cloth of Hanbin’s shirt, and he can feel Hanbin trembling in his arms, can feel Hanbin’s grip tightening too.

“I’m in love with you,” Hanbin says after a long stretch of silence, his voice muffled as he speaks into Bobby’s shoulder. “You should know that, before I – before.”

Bobby isn’t sure what the right way to react is. On one hand, he’s completely blindsided, hadn’t seen this coming at all – but on the other, now that he thinks about it, he really _should_ have. “You waited until _now_ to tell me?” he settles on asking, his voice caught somewhere between a laugh and a sob.

(And he realizes, all at once, that his confusion surrounding the feelings he’s experienced over the years was just him not understanding that he’s been in love with Hanbin all along too.)

Hanbin fidgets a little, still mumbling into Bobby’s shirt. “You know I couldn’t tell you before.”

He’s right, of course, because Jinhwan and Junhoe breaking the no-dating policy for each other made Hanbin somewhat paranoid about the rest of them strictly adhering to the rules. Now, though, Hanbin’s contract hardly matters anymore. “Yeah,” Bobby says, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice for Hanbin’s sake. “I know.”

“Besides,” Hanbin adds several moments later, breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence that settles over them. “It’s a lot easier to write sad love songs when you aren’t in a relationship. When you think you don’t have a chance with someone in the first place.” He pulls away slightly to look at Bobby, pouting. “Because you never told me anything, either.”

And if Hanbin is trying to lighten the mood, it works: for a moment, Bobby allows himself to forget everything else and focus entirely on the fact that he has the cutest boy in the world, who he is in love with and who loves him back, in his lap. “I love you too, Hanbinnie,” he says. “I think I’ve always been in love with you.” He looks at Hanbin intently. “Is this the real reason you were weird around me after we stopped – you know?”

Hanbin sighs. “Yes,” he admits. “I – you know that I loved being with you like – like _that_ , but I couldn’t – I didn’t think it meant the same thing to you as it did to me. Especially after hearing all the love songs you wrote. So I just – I needed to get away. So I could, I don’t know, get over you, I guess.”

“I get it,” Bobby says, pressing a kiss to Hanbin’s shoulder. “I thought – I was scared that you liked Jaewon-hyung. I thought that’s why you didn’t want to sleep with me anymore.”

“Wait, really?” Hanbin momentarily looks amused. “ _That’s_ the real reason you were jealous of Jaewon-hyung?”

“Hey,” Bobby says, pouting slightly. “At least I was jealous of a real person. I wasn’t even really thinking about anyone when I made my album.” He pauses, considering. “Although, I guess it was actually inspired by _you_ , wasn’t it?”

Hanbin blinks a few times. “It was?”

“It was,” Bobby says, because he’s sure of it now – after all, there’s no one else in the world he could have possibly been thinking of. “I didn’t know it then, but it was always for you. Every word.” His hold on Hanbin tightens a little. “Hanbin, I don’t want you to go.”

“I don’t want to go either,” Hanbin whispers, gripping Bobby’s shirt harder too. “But I have to.”

Bobby knows the others will be here soon, that they don’t have much time left, but he can’t help himself. He kisses Hanbin’s forehead, his cheeks, his nose, before Hanbin lets out a soft whine and kisses Bobby’s lips instead. And Bobby can only cling onto him, savoring every moment of it.

When they finally, reluctantly break apart, Bobby feels his resolve strengthen. “I’m not going to let this be the end,” he says. He brushes his thumb along Hanbin’s cheek. “None of us will. We’ll keep doing whatever we can. We’ll never let you be forgotten.”

Hanbin’s eyes flutter shut at Bobby’s touch. “I know you won’t.” He takes a deep breath. “And I – I’ll always be with you too.”

Bobby smiles, resting his forehead against Hanbin’s and closing his eyes too. “Yeah,” he says, and for a brief moment, he feels a little spark of hope. “I know.”

**Author's Note:**

> So uhh.....I've never written an iKON fic before but new decade, new me! But not really, actually, because it seems like this is a trend with me: I start stanning a new group and inevitably end up writing a long fic that helps me work through the sad event that happened in the group's history.  
> Anyway! I started this a few months ago and finally got around to wrapping it up, so here it is. It's super different from anything I've written before - I really tried to play with the non-linear narrative and I hope it didn't turn out too confusing!  
> Also, I'd like to stress that although I was inspired by real events, everything is purely my own speculation, and in particular, I'm not trying to force my opinions regarding anything involving iKON or Hanbin or YGE on anyone! If you're curious about what any of the various events that are mentioned throughout this are, feel free to ask me, I'd be happy to answer!  
> The title is from the song of the same name by Maroon 5 which I think reflects how I was trying to characterize Double B here!  
> Thank you to my sister who edited this despite being on the other side of the world and a 14-hour time difference away, and not even stanning iKON! Love you!  
> I hope you all enjoy this, and feedback and comments are always welcome! Thank you for reading! :)


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